I’m sitting at my computer just wanting to go back to sleep. I’ve been pretty sick this past week. I was going to let the blog go and take a nap but then I realized that Gayook’s birthday is this Tuesday the 25th and I couldn’t let that go by without some sort of acknowledgement to her life and what she means to me.
To say that going through her last bout of cancer 2 years ago was difficult is truly an understatement. And anyone who has gone through that with a loved one knows exactly what I’m talking about. Thankfully she has been and still is cancer free! And despite that, I have to admit the road to recovery has been longer and more difficult than battling the cancer itself. The entire experience has tested in me in ways I never could have imagined. Looking back I have to admit there were times I exceeded my own expectations in what I was willing to give and other times have failed miserably giving in to anger and resentment.
I remember when she was diagnosed, my telling her that I would do “whatever it takes” to help her through the cancer. And looking back I really didn’t know what I was in for! When I get angry and resentful I often remind myself that this is what I signed up for to keep her alive and in my life. I forget that sometimes. And when I do have to remind myself, “whatever it takes.”
I love my mother very much and I feel when I do this work for the family around my grandfather, I’m also doing something for her. Maybe giving her back the father she never knew, the one that she never had in America. It’s gratifying to see her so happy and excited when we learn new things about him. I feel that in some way it has given her purpose and a place in history through her father, a belonging of sorts. It’s hard to put into words.
So Happy Birthday Mom! Know that I will be there for you always, even when I get angry, frustrated, tired or impatient. I am truly sorry if I hurt you during those times. I want you to get better and live a full life. You have given me so much of your wisdom, strength and vision. I would not be the same person without those qualities you have shared with me.
I love you “whatever it takes.”